Divine Tragedy

Attempted interview with Krist of the band Divine Tragedy, originally conducted via MySpace for Artless Nonculture Webzine, August, 2009.

One sunny summer's day, I posted a bulletin online asking our very nice readers who they think I should interview. One suggestion was provided by Brokencyde enthusiast Edilberto in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Well, Berto, I took your advice, and got in touch with Krist, singer for Pittsburgh's Divine Tragedy. I says to him, I says, "Would you wanna do an interview with an online punk fanzine?"

"Sure, sounds cool."

Good, I thought to myself, now's my chance to make my readers proud!! I cleared my throat. "Ahem. Uh, this guy Edilberto suggested it. I gotta admit, I never heard of you until today. You've been around since '99?"

"Yup, off and on. We are more in the metal scene than the punk scene, though."

My eyes lit up. "Have you guys ever opened for METALLICA?"

(silence)

"No... No, I guess not." I felt embarassed. Sometimes I forget myself in these types of situations. "Ummm. You said you're more in the metal scene than the punk scene... What punk bands have you played with?"

"Haven't opened up for Metallica. (Laughs) That would be cool, though. Have opened up for national acts such as Boston, Mushroomhead, and the Motorpsychos."

I made a face. "Ugh. You ever play with any punk bands from around here?"

(more silence)

Eventually I got tired of waiting for a response, so I decided to interview a fictional character instead.


Interview with Harry Potter

ANC- Hey, excuse me, but would you mind if I interviewed you for a magazine?

HP- Oh, gee, I don't know... I'm not really supposed to talk to muggles...

ANC- Huh?

HP- Well, you see, it's just that...

ANC- What the fuck's a muggle?

HP- Non.. magic people.

ANC- Wait, hold up a sec-- You're a MAGICIAN!?

HP- Well, yea, I mean-

ANC- That's AWESOME!! Oh-- Listen, you GOTTA pull a quarter outta my ear...

HP- We don't really, uh, do that. (confused) So wait-- if you didn't know who I was, why did you want to interview me?

ANC- I thought you were Randy from this band Labor Force...

HP- Who's that?

ANC- Nevermind. So what's it like being a magician?

HP- I already told you-

ANC- Oh yeah, right, the muggle thing. What exactly is it that makes you think magicians are so much better than everyone else? Why can't I talk to you?? This would be great publicity for your act!

HP- It's NOT an ACT! I really CAN do magic!!

ANC- Prove it.

HP- (Stares intensly at me for a second, then his expression changes to a nervous one) I can't.

ANC- See, I knew it. You're crazy.

HP- I CAN'T DO IT BECAUSE IF I DO MAGIC IN THE PRESENCE OF MUGGLES THEN I'LL BE EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL!

ANC- Well that's really weird... Hey, what do you keep lookin' around like that for?

HP- Well... (leans in close, whispering) The dementors are after me.

ANC- Oh... kay...

HP- You wouldn't understand.

ANC- What's a dementor? Is that, like, a gang or something?

HP- Dementors are the most terrifying thing you'd ever lay your eyes on. They're about 9 feet tall, they wear long black cloaks with hoods, and they're shrouded in a thick black fog.

ANC- That doesn't sound so scary...

HP- Once they're r'afta you, they'll destroy anyone else thats gets in their way until you're dead. They hover right over you, and they suck out your soul through your face.

ANC- Wow. Okay. You're right, I really shouldn't talk to you. You're outta your fuckin' mind, kid.

HP- The dementors are REAL, I tell you!! Once they stopped a train that I was on, and tried to suck my soul out, right there in front of everyone!!

ANC- Okay, I believe you. Take it easy.

HP- It's true! He Who Must Not Be Named sent them to get me.

ANC- (backing away slowly) Right, yeah, that musta been terrible. I gotta go find that other guy now, okay?

HP- Alright. But be CAREFUL, Lord Voldemort's DEATH-EATERS are EVERYWHERE!

ANC- Yeah, I'll do that. See ya...


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